I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
