i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize