You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
