I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
