every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
