My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
