Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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