I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Swine flu. Run for my life!
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
