I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
