he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
