He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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