Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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