We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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