I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
