Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
