You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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