my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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