I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
