i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
