I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
