Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
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