I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize