I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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