You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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