can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
