Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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