I think im going to throw up on grandma
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
