Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
