you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
