my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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