On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
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