I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
