you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
