god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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