I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
