I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
