I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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