just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
