Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
