According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm always down for nudity.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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