Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
