Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
