First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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