Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize