I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
