So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
