He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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