I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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