If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The struggles of a small town man whore
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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