I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
