I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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