I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
the liver wants what the liver wants
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
