Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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