I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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