Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So much rum. So many feels.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I think i got beer on your cat.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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