You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
